Our baby is juuuust right

And it came to pass, on the eleventh day of the third month of the two hundred and twenty and first year of the reign of the presidents,* and it was during the eighth year of the reign of Abushakiah, a baby was born.
2. And he was goodly to look upon and cute as a button; and his father was well pleased and his mother did rejoice; and his grandparents and great-grandparents and uncles and aunts and nieces and nephews and their pets, yea, even their cats and their cureloms and their cummoms, and their friends and fellow bloggers did rejoice with exceeding great Joy and Derrill.
3. And they wrapped the babe in a doggy-head towel and laid him in a bouncer.



... "Skip a bit, Brother Watson. We've all heard about how he got down to 1% body weight already and you freaked out. What happens next?"

11. And behold, it came to pass that his parents did feed their baby, yeah with exceeding diligence; and he did grow and wax stronger and larger, even so much that their friends did speak unto them saying, "Woah, you got a big baby there!" and "He's certainly chunking up."
12. And they brought their baby unto the man learned in medicine, and he spake unto them, saying:

14 pounds, 11 ounces = 34%
25 inches tall = 41%



You have a happy, healthy, normal baby. I don't have to see you for another 2.5 months.

13. Now behold, their baby did speak unto them, saying "Behold, verily, verily, I win! Yea, I do kicketh behind."



14. And his parents did rejoice über die Massen (exceedingly), and they lived after the manner of happiness for several seconds, but behold this came to pass;
15. For behold, and lo, the nurses came in, and they were armed with cimeters and with slings and with bows and with needles and with all manner of antiviral weapon;
16. Now it came to pass that his mother did leave the room, and his father did hold him close, and there was weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth ... now behold, this was just the father!
17. And they did flee out of the office with exceeding great haste, after that they had made their copay, and they did return unto the land of their inheritance.
18. And his father dwelt in a trailer park.




19. Now behold, they wrapped the happy, healthy babe in an American flag and laid him in a crib because there was no room for him in the bouncer.





* - The US Constitution was ratified in 1787.